The Parthenon meets the Travelodge in Guangzhou

Vienna Hotel

Guangzhou, Chinese industrial powerhouse and house of horrors, is one of the world’s most unwelcoming cities: concrete towers stretch for miles in every direction, and the air is brown from factory-smoke. Tourists shun it, and businessmen retreat to hotel rooms which could be anywhere in the world.

Yet the strangest things lurk amidst the towers. Temples forgotten by the bulldozers. A theme park where a scale-model Great Pyramid sits in the shadow of a scale-model Eiffel Tower. And some of the oddest, most lost-looking classical architecture in the world.

The Vienna Hotel sits by the side of an eight-lane road – as most hotels around here do. It aims for the Mozart-meets-Habsburg-meets-Parthenon-meets-Travelodge look. A glowing pediment sits atop gold-painted Corinthian columns. Behind the pediment sits an entirely unadorned, entirely un-classical, concrete tower. In its own way, it is as beautifully shameless as Sir Richard Westmacott’s statue of Charles James Fox, looking exquisitely uncomfortable in his toga, as he peers down at London from Bloomsbury Square.

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The Electric Mongol God

The Electric Mongol God

In the summer of 1904, strange things were happening in the far corners of Siberia. A god was on the march:

The Mongols are gathering in thousands in answer to the summons of men who are proclaiming themselves to be the apostles of the god Airol. These men are inspiring awe among the nomads by means of alleged miracles carried out with the aid of electrical and pyrotechnical devices with which they are provided. Many rich members of the Kalmuck tribe have taken up the propaganda. One of them has sacrificed $3000 and another $250 in honor of the god.

The New York Times, 19 June 1904

These ‘apostles’ were, in fact, some ingenious agents of the Japanese secret service. The Russo-Japanese war of 1904-5 was then in full swing – and the Trans-Siberian railway, linking Moscow and its distant Siberian possessions, was a prime Japanese target. Instead of sending in the army, however, Japan sent in an ancient god – and his ‘disciples’, who preached a message of rebellion against the Russians. ‘The tribes in which the revolt is fostered inhabit both sides of the Trans-Siberian Railroad, and number many thousands,’ noted the Times.

‘The god Airol’ did not, in the end, succeed in cutting the Trans-Siberian Railway. But some spies found the idea of staging the second coming quite irresistible. ‘Airol’ was not the last god to be dusted off for battle.

In the 1960s, Major General Edward Lansdale really wanted to kill Fidel Castro. When the CIA’s exploding cigars and poisoned diving-suits did not work, Lansdale suggested staging the Second Coming of Christ instead. Jesus, the plan went, would appear one night off the coast of Cuba in a shower of fireworks, on the deck of an American nuclear submarine. Overhead, planes with specially-fitted loudspeakers would broadcast His voice. Jesus would introduce Himself, then tell the Cuban people to go kill Castro. The CIA had a few meetings, then shelved this nuclear-powered killer Jesus, and went back to soaking cigars in LSD.

According to the Washington Post, in the 1990s, during the first Gulf War, the Americans considered projecting a gigantic holographic God into the skies above Baghdad. God would urge the Iraqi people to go kill Saddam Hussein. This plan was likewise shelved when it was pointed out that to create the hologram, a mirror a mile wide would be needed. In space.

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How to unpack a bear

Whitley

Even by the standards of English eccentrics, Herbert Whitley lived by his own rules.

In the 1920s, he kept an improbable menagerie in the grounds of his home in Paignton, north Devon. Lions roared behind the shed. A tortoise sunned itself on the drive. A chimpanzee loafed down to pick up the milk every morning.

Getting all these creatures to Paignton was not exactly simple. Shipping woolly-necked storks by the Great Western Railway required a special form. Customs duties had to be paid on the tiger. And there was the small matter of the Parrot Permits. By and large, the railway staff coped rather well – and chose the far end of the platform to offload the bulky packing-cases marked ‘H. Whitley’, as oblivious holiday-makers streamed by with their buckets and spades.

Sometimes, though, things became awkward – such as when a large box marked ‘Beware – Live Bear’ arrived. It was edged down from the train by some nervous porters. The bear was not in the best of tempers; there were thuds and grunts from inside. It was a heavy one, and before the box could be settled on the platform, the bottom splintered under the weight of bear, and came loose. Four large paws emerged. The rest of the bear seemed set to follow.

Lifting the box onto a cart was now out of the question. The porters and Whitley’s driver looked at each other, and slowly edged away. The bear rumbled.

At that point, someone had an idea. Two poles were tied onto the box, one on each side. Then the porters picked up the poles, lifted the box a few careful inches and carried it – with the bear padding along in the middle – down the platform, through the ticket hall, and out of the station. It walked along the streets of Paignton, up to Whitley’s home. They passed grand hotels and hushed department-stores and shops with windows full of cakes. Fortunately, the bear was not inclined to go exploring – and with the porters wiping away sweat, the box finally strolled up Whitley’s drive.

The bear settled into its new home. Whitely broke a long habit, and gave the porters a tip.

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(Not) Lifelike

When Susan Orlean went to the World Taxidermy Championships, she found a crowd of obsessives, on the hunt for ever-better glass eyes and bristles. Not all creatures, though, are stuffed with such dignity. A brief history of bad taxidermy could be written from a wander around London’s more far-flung museums.

To the north, in Tring, there is the former home of Walter Rothschild. For his twenty-first birthday, Walter demanded his own museum – and his father, greatest of the Victorian financiers, obliged. A huge house a few miles from London was acquired – and Walter filled it to the brim. Today, stuffed lions jostle for space with zebras, an elephant seal with a great auk, and a hippopotamus lurks in the shadows. The taxidermy is dreadfully amateurish – gaping scars and stitches cut across the animals, and their glass eyes shine with outrage. When at home, Walter rode around on a giant tortoise – and loved to be photographed astride it, dressed in the black coat and top-hat of a Victorian grandee.

To the south, there is the Horniman Museum – all stately Victoriana, old wooden display-cases and grand galleries. Pride of place is granted to an enormous Victorian walrus. Obsese, and moulting ever so slightly, it looms over the main hall. Alas, the taxidermist entrusted with it had never seen a walrus before. When alive, the creatures are all chins and wrinkles and flab – but this one was stuffed and stuffed, after death, until its skin was drum-tight and its neck stood straight up in the air like a sea-going giraffe. Even now, there are absolutely no wrinkles – and the mournful look on the creature’s face is unmistakable.

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The ‘Purity League’ that wasn’t

Ann O’Delia Diss Debar – ‘of many names, a number of husbands, and several prison terms’, as the newspapers put it – was one of America’s greatest con-artists. All across America, in the nineteenth century, she ‘left behind her a trail of sorrow, depleted pocket-books, and impaired morals that has seldom been equaled.’

There was a marriage-scam in Baltimore. There were spiritualist experiments in New York. In Detroit, she called herself ‘Queen of the Flying Rollers’. ‘She was feigning death in Dayton with the candles around her, and the priest administering extreme unction. In order to satisfy himself, he talked about placing a red-hot iron to her face. Immediately on hearing this, Anna, who up to that time pretended to be in a trance, jumped up and knocked down two of the priests, overturned two or three of the Sisters of Charity and escaped to the street. That was the last of her there.’

In the mid-1890s, she came to London – calling herself Swami Laura, this time – and set up a ‘Purity League’. It was here she came to grief. Her accomplice was a nervy, ratty man who called himself Jackson. They called their league the Order of the Golden Dawn (sometimes the Order of the Golden Door – even Swami Laura was never quite sure which). The scam went something like this:

Jackson would place in advertisement in a newspaper, seeking a wife. Young women who responded would be invited to London – where Swami Laura would pose as Jackson’s mother. (She cut – the picture is of her – quite a figure, in diamonds and flowing robes.) Tea would be poured. ‘In due course the young women were invited to come and stay with his  “mother” at her house.’

There, they would be swiftly parted from their money and jewels. From one young woman, Swami Laura extracted ‘a diamond pendant, a pair of diamond and sapphire earrings, and a diamond and emerald marquise ring’, from another, only ‘a sum of £3 and some fish knives and forks’. The fish-knives joined the diamonds in a pawnbroker’s shop in the Strand.

Then, unwisely, Jackson tried to get the ‘brides’ into bed. One evening, oaths to the ‘Golden Dawn’ were sworn. Incense was waved around the room. Then the lady was told ‘that she would bring forth the birth of the motherhood of God by submitting to the man…  The man told her that… he was the only perfect man in the world.’

More than a little disgusted – and very far from convinced – the lady called the police instead. The ‘perfect man’ got fifteen years – and Diss Debar seven.

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The Rogue’s Lexicon

When it came to lowlife, old New York was unsurpassed. Con-artists, pickpockets, hustlers, hookers, corrupt cops, bunco men, protection rackets, gangs with hatchets, and Chinese assassins brandishing revolvers – all were to be found within a few square blocks.

By the middle of the nineteenth century, they had developed a language all of their own – sharp, shameless and colourful. For outsiders, it was almost incomprehensible. And so, in 1859, George Matsell published The Rogue’s Lexicon - a dictionary for the underworld. It captures a world, syllable by syllable.

AMUSERS. Fellows who carry snuff or pepper in their pockets, which they throw into a person’s eyes and then run away; the accomplice rushing up to the victim, pretending to assist, robs him.

BAGGED. Imprisoned.

BLUE-RUIN. Bad gin.

CANNIS COVE. A dog-man; a dog-thief.

CHRISTENING. Erasing the name of the maker from a stolen watch and putting another in its place.

D.I.O. Damn it! I’m off.

EVERLASTING. The treadmill.

FLAG ABOUT. A low strumpet.

GOB-STICKS. Silver forks or spoons.

HEDGE. To bet on both sides.

IDEA-POT. A man’s head.

JINGLEBRAINS. A thoughtless fellow.

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319 Teeth in 39 Minutes: The Great Sequah, Victorian Quack

The Great Sequah was the nineteenth century’s hardest-working charlatan. During the 1880s, he traveled around Britain in a shining gold carriage – extracting teeth at a breakneck pace.

A loud-mouthed drummer – and sometimes a full brass band – would announce his arrival to the city. Once a crowd had gathered, he would unroll a fearsome array of dentist’s tools, and invite anyone whose teeth were troubling them to step forward. What happened next was quite unique:

Sequah strapped an electric lamp to his forehead and set to work with his forceps apparently removing teeth with astounding speed, 50 teeth in half as many minutes at Cardiff, or at Hastings 317 teeth in 39 minutes – eight per minute. The patient had scarcely opened his mouth before Sequah had pulled out a tooth, held it up to the crowd, put it under the patient’s hat and sent him on his way. The operations were accompanied by the continuous playing of the brass band which distracted the patient, and drowned any cries of pain.

The teeth dispatched, Sequah made his pitch: ‘Prarie Flower’ (a kind of noxious rub), ‘Sequah’s Oil’ and ‘Indian Dentifrice’ , hawked relentlessly to a crowd clutching their jaws.

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A Regency Turkey-Race

Brighton today is strange. Brighton in the days of the Prince Regent, whose gigantic appetites built the town, was much stranger. The locals never knew, when they looked out of their windows in the morning, quite what they would find on the other side. Perhaps nothing but a solitary rider, buttoned-up and shivering, holding onto his sideburns (sprouting Regency facial hair was often not what it seemed to be – and an unexpected gust of wind or rain could wreak havoc: ‘a terrible shower,’ as one satirist remarked, ‘might melt off mustachios and whiskers, / And the compost that glued them might rise into blisters.’) . Or perhaps they would see the country’s authentically bewhiskered ruler striding out of town as fast as his legs could carry him, driving a flock of turkeys before him.

One evening, the Prince Regent made a bet. Five hundred pounds, he put on the table – a vast sum, and for many, close to a lifetime’s wages. The bet? That twenty turkeys would outrun twenty geese, over a distance of ten miles. The wager was accepted – and next morning, the royal party sallied forth:

‘On the day appointed, the Prince and his party of turkeys and Mr. Berkeley and his party of geese, set off to decide the match. For the first three hours, everything seemed to indicate that the turkeys would be the winners, as they were two miles in advance of the geese; but as night came on, the turkeys began to stretch out their necks towards the branches of the trees which lined the sides of the road; in vain the Prince attempted to urge them on with his pole, to which a bit of red cloth was attached… No stratagem, no compulsion could prevent them taking to their roosting-place. In the mean time, the geese came waddling on, and in a short time passed the turkey party, who were all busy dislodging the obstinate birds from the trees.’

It must have been quite a sight, all in all – the vast Prince, looking rather like a turkey himself, swollen up and furious in the setting sun, waving his stick and waddling along the shore at top speed, trying to herd his recalcitrant birds.

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A Day in Court

The Tombs jail, NY
I’ve been writing about a brilliant, shameless New York con-artist – Ann O’Delia Diss Debar, ‘of many names, a number of husbands and several prison terms’. In 1888, she was put on trial in the old Tombs jail, in New York – and the case was the sensation of the day.

The Tombs are long gone, but New York’s central courthouse is still on that spot. I went along, curious about whether it was still as weird as it used to be – and the characters were still as strange.

Of course they were. There was the burglar in the cashmere scarf.

The cop who spent every moment between cases wrapped around her boyfriend.

The different ways the defendants walked in – struts/shuffles/confidence/lost looks/poses…

The legal aid lawyer – massive and rumpled, with a worn kindly face and a loud tie, surrounded by piles of canvas bags.

The defendant who tried fake-fainting, when the questions got a bit awkward. Everyone just stood around and looked at him.

The defendant who’d been arrested for subway-ticket fraud, while out on bail for the same offense, from another court. The judge took umbrage: ‘Whaddaya gonna say to Judge Weinberg, eh? You know what he’s gonna say to you?’

The unconvincing virtue. ‘My client hasn’t been arrested since 2004…’ ’2004?’, said the judge ‘So what’s he been doing since 2004?’ ‘Well, I, er…’ ‘No, really, what’s he been doing since 2004?’ No answer.

It was New York at its most colorful and unapologetic. It was the opposite of innocence.

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When the FBI wants pizza

Artichoke Pizza, downtown in New York, out west next to the High Line park, is damn good. Some of the best pizza in town. Over-the-top, blistered, intense – and beloved by the FBI.

When I was there last, two FBI guys were having lunch together. White shirts and buzzcuts, one with a lanyard around his neck saying ‘FBI Special Agent.’ Both chewing vigorously.

Pretty soon, they look at their watches and pay their bill. There’s leftover pizza (there always is, at Artichoke). One FBI guy got his to go, the other left his on the table, and they hustled to the door. Then the first one – the one with the to-go box – stopped on the way out, hustled back to the table, and with the most fleeting grin, grabbed the other guy’s leftover pizza, and made off.

If you’re an FBI guy, and you’re serious about that, the smallest illicit things probably come with intense pleasure. And very petty theft is something you smile about all day. Not to mention the extra pizza.

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